The inner critic: why you talk to yourself like that…

You make one small mistake. You send a message with an obvious typo you missed, or you trip over your words in a meeting, and a voice in your head is straight in there. “God, you idiot. Everyone saw that. Why are you even like this?” If you stopped and noticed it, you’d probably be mortified, because you would never in a million years speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself.

Nearly everyone’s got that inner voice, and invariably it's always critical. Some people’s are a quiet murmur for others it's a constant running commentary. Either way, it’s worth understanding what it’s up to, because once you do, it loses a fair bit of its power.

The critic voice is fear wearing a disguise.

Here’s the bit that changes how you see it. That harsh voice isn’t there to make you miserable, even though it’s extremely good at it. It’s the overprotective part of your brain again, doing what it thinks is its job, which is keeping you safe. Its logic goes like this. If it can keep you cautious, if you don’t put yourself out there, nothing can come along and hurt you. Somewhere, along the way, it learned that being hard on you keeps you out of danger.

However, this isn’t a very good strategy, really. Being harsh with yourself doesn’t make you better at things. It just makes you frightened, and frightened people hang back and shrink. So, the very voice that’s trying to protect you is the thing keeping you back.

What actually quietens it

The first thing, and it’s a big one. A thought is just a thought. You do not have to believe every thought your brain gives you. It isn’t a fact, and it isn’t an instruction. When the inner critic pipes up, you can notice it without obeying it. Just notice it, “ah, there’s that voice again,” puts a bit of space between you and it, and in that space you get to choose what you actually do next. That’s what we call the power of a pause.

Then start being fairer with yourself on purpose. When something's gone wrong, ask yourself what you’d say to a good friend who’d done the same thing. You’d be kind. You’d tell them it happens. Try giving yourself that kindness instead of the kicking.

And give your brain better evidence. Your mind focuses on whatever you pay the most attention to. If the only things you ever properly notice are your errors or mistakes, then errors and mistakes become the whole story. Deliberately register the things that go right, even the small ones, the bits you handled well, the day you got through. Over a few weeks, that genuinely shifts how you see yourself and alters your thinking for the better.

When it’s worn a deep groove

If that critical voice has been running for years and it’s grinding down your confidence or mood, that’s often where the work I do can help. Solution focused hypnotherapy doesn’t pick over why you’re like this. It’s forward-looking, goal-oriented, and builds a calmer, more confident version of you, ultimately helping you control that voice so it’s more of a cheerleader than a critic.

The goal was never to silence that inner voice. It’s getting you to the point where you’re the one deciding what’s true about you, and that critical voice is just background noise you’ve stopped taking orders from.

Suzanne Teale, Mental Fitness Practitioner, accredited Solution Focused Hypnotherapist. Unlock Potential.